Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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