I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
