If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
