he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
