She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
