It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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