Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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