Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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