watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
