The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
