I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
