i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
