So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize