Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
