i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
