i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
