last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize