ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize