my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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