I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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