When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Enjoy the penises
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
