so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
