I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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