Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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