That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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