Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
