I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
