How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
