I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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