I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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