he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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