just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
