We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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