***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
