and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
