is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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