I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
