My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
