Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hippo gnu deer
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
