I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
