gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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