and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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