the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
