You just made me feel so damn special
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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