so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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