There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
