remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
