Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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