Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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