I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
