I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
