the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
