You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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