All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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