I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
