Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
That accounts for only three of the penises
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
