Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
