I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
